My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
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