We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
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