it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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