I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Randomize
