So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
