End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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