I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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