I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Randomize
