It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
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