I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
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