I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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