Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Randomize
