the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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