The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize
