My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
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