you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
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