My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Randomize
