I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
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