you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
