Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
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