During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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