My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
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