hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
