quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
