how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
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I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
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And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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