I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
