I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
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