sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
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