I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
