she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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