I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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