I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
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