im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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