Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
