i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Randomize
