I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
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