There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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