I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
