I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Randomize
