so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Randomize
