im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
