I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
