I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
