Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
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