I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
