She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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