I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
try to milk me bitch
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