East Village: Only place you can play pac man while eating a pineapple hotdog, go to the bar next door and see a graphic blowjob on every tv
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
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