I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
