we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
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