he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Randomize
