girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
