Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
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also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
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2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
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