i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Randomize
