either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize