1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
the liver wants what the liver wants
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
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