You smell like stripper and shame
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
we're making bets on your personal life
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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