he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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