I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
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